Skinny N Hosanna meet Frank N Furter
by PineappleGrenade
Summary: Those two lovely ladies, Skinny and Hosanna aka Trinny and Susanna, the 'loveable' fashion gurus have decided to pay the sweet transvestite a little visit and teach him What Not To Wear. Hilarity, time warping and innuendos are bound to ensue.
1. Chapter 1

**Skinny N Hosanna meet Frank N Furter**

**Don't own Rocky Horror and never will do, neither do I profit from spending countless hours writing fanfics about it. **

1.

There was a knock at the door.

Riff Raff paused in the act of walking past the heavy front door and stared at it.

There was another knock. He twitched his thumbs idly in thought and glanced back up the stairs before arranging his face into a creepy welcoming smile and heaving open the door.

A fluffy TV microphone was pushed into his face and he stumbled back in surprise.

"Can I... help you?" He said, somewhat irritably, reaching up to push it aside. An anorexic looking woman with muddy blonde hair scraped back into a pony tail flounced in and stood smiling in front of a camera in the hallway.

"Hello and welcome to the newest exciting episode of 'What Not To Wear' with me, Skinny and-" At this a frumpier, blonder woman seemed to magically appear beside the other woman and gave the camera an insipid smile.

"-Hosanna" The other one continued. They stood there smiling expectantly at him.

"Oh."

Skinny blinked and gave a wider grin that reminded him of a crocodile before it snaps at its victim, before turning back to the camera. "We are here in the castle of a Mister…" here her fake-tanned forehead wrinkled in confusion and she looked at her producer who mouthed the name of Riff's employer, the illustrious Frank N. Furter, "a Mr. Frank N. Furter, to give him one of our extra special makeovers and sort out his fashion faux paus!"

Riff Raff looked back up the stairs, wondering how Frank would take the news that he'd committed a 'fashion faux paus', he wasn't quite sure what it was but if it incorporated another language it must be serious. With a jerky shrug he fell back on what he knew – he wrapped a bony hand around the edge of the door, leaned forwards with his creepiest smirk and intoned "I think perhaps you'd better bo- all… come inside…" in his most nasal voice. They did just that.

The two blondes walked backwards up the stairs, chittering excitedly to the camera the whole way with unimportant details, and pulling faces at the décor. Having nothing better to do, and thoroughly intrigued as to what reaction all this would provoke from Frank, Riff trailed after them.

There was a knock at Frank's laboratory door.

He jumped and dropped the test tube he had been clutching precariously in a fishnet-gloved fist to the floor, his make up encrusted eyelids fluttering closed as he heaved an irritated sigh.

"I told you I was not to be disturbed… How am I meant to discover the secret to _life itself_ if you keep disturbing me…" He called out in annoyance. He was answered by another knock and heaving another sigh he went to the door and yanked it open, being greeted as Riff had with a face full of fluffy microphone.

"Omigawd! Would you look at that!" Hosanna cawed, darting past the other plastic woman to stare incredulously at Frank.

"You're being very unprofessional…" Skinny hissed, elbowing the woman in her considerably bulkier side and shutting her up for the moment.

Frank raised his perfectly shaped eyebrows impossibly high and glared haughtily at Riff Raff, silently demanding an explanation. The best the sharply-dressed hunchback could come up with was "Master… _Master_... We have a visitor."

"I can see that." Frank snapped in reply, eyeing up the women and camera crew invasion. Noticing that he could see his reflection in the whirring, mechanical beasts he pouted and fluffed up his hair, never having been one to miss the opportunity to preen.

Hosanna regained herself and what precious dignity she had had to begin with and flashed the camera an infamously insipid smile, dripping sincerity. "So here we are, in the castle of Mr. Furter, here to help him out. And boy does he need help…" She received another elbowing for this.

A camera swung round and pointed at Skinny, who ran anorexic fingers back through her hair (as if this could do something to improve the scraped back style she had been lumbered with…). "We came here on the information of a couple of close acquaintances of Frank's, who disclosed their concern about their friend's fashion sense and how he never seems to go out any more. But have no fear! We will give this poor man a make over and a new lease of life, lead him from the shadow of the valley of poor outfit choice and into fashion heaven!"

Frank twitched and paused in his preening, having entirely missed all that had been said. "Why are you lovely ladies here?" He smiled benignly, idly musing upon the thought that he may have found some new playmates.

"To help you out!" Hosanna beamed at him.

"Oh, really?" He chuckled; scrunching his nose up in what he thought was an irresistibly cute way at them. This was accompanied by a wink to his manservant, who merely shook his head.

The two women set to work, circling the sweet transvestite and making highly personal comments about his attire. He let out a gasp as he was suddenly grabbed in a place that was highly inappropriate for someone he had only just met. "Oh really!" He exclaimed, eyes widening.

"And this corset… it just doesn't suit a person of your… calibre… we're going to have to throw _all_ these things away," Skinny tutted, cupping his non-existent breasts and giving them what he could only describe as a sensual massage.

"And these fishnet suspenders… _so_ passé," Hosanna complained, pulling at said fishnet suspenders. "And they're all holey! No wonder you're too embarrassed to go out much."

Dr. Frank N. Furter was no longer enjoying himself, in fact he now considered himself to be having a terrible time. These strange women were too rough, they didn't play nicely and they kept making offensive comments about his precious clothing. Well, he didn't have to stand for this!

"Really… You're just too rude. Go away now." He sniffed haughtily at them, flapping petulantly at their probing hands.

To his immense surprise they didn't go away. Instead, before he had even realised what was happening he had been stripped down to his lacy lingerie and dressed in clothing that was entirely alien to him. Maybe he should have just stayed in bed this morning…


	2. Chapter 2

2.

Frank N. Furter was the sort of person that rarely got uncomfortable in situations, in fact he considered himself the master of all situations, able to turn anything to his advantage through his special blend of charm and 'subtle' sex appeal. However, this was a situation and he was highly uncomfortable.

He put the uncomfortable-ness down to the… _trousers_ he was wearing. Of course, he knew of such contraptions, he had removed plenty of them in his time. Indeed, Riff Raff wore them and Eddie had worn them…lots of men wore them and he had even heard of women wearing them, but he had never experienced them first hand. He was unable to understand how anyone could bear to do so, they were far too constrictive and hot and itchy and a million other bad things.

With a groan he flopped back onto a couch and rolled around in a most undignified manner as he attempted to wrestle the damned long-legged clothing device into a more comfortable position. His frustration was not helped when he realised that not only were Skinny, Hosanna and their camera crew watching his discomfort, but his 'faithful' servants were crowded in the doorway giggling at him.

A full length mirror was wheeled in front of him and he quickly clamped his eyes shut, knowing he wouldn't be happy with the scene that awaited him.

"Come on now, you dashing young man, open your eyes and see what magic we've worked for you!" One of the off-blondes chirped, although there was a hint of menace to her voice.

Parting his lusciously full lips in a heartfelt sigh, he opened his eyes and stared blankly at the unrecognisable reflection that starkly met his gaze. His first thought was _'Mm… who is that gorgeous male?'_ but this quickly descended into a gibbering scream of thoughts as he realised that _he_ was the one so plainly and masculine-ly dressed.

He stood up slowly and took a few steps towards the mirror, the material of the trousers chafing his thighs into rawness. A hand reached out and delicately lighted upon the cold, indifferent glass. The man in the mirror blinked at him, his face looking strangely naked without the thick layer of make up he had grown accustomed to gazing upon. He ran his hands slowly down his body, feeling the odd fabric of the shirt and tie that hung loosely from his body and those… _trousers._ He plucked at them, dumbfounded. This would not do, it would not do at all. A sweet transvestite from Transsexual Transylvania was not a sweet transvestite from Transsexual Transylvania without his lingerie, fishnets and corset. He was just… a nothing.

"What have you done with my clothes?" He inquired, his voice strained.

"We threw them away of course! You can't move forwards if you keep looking back."

Frank wished he had his electric meat carver with him… or maybe his chainsaw… but both were in the dining room somewhere.

The woman that had said this now turned to the camera with a grin. "So now that Mr. Furter has seen the Right Way To Dress we are going to take him on a little shopping trip to see how much he has learnt." The grin twisted into a sadistic smirk.

This was too much, all too much… _more_ clothes like this?

"Columbia."

The diminutive red-head stepped smartly forwards, her tap shoes clacking on the floor.

"I say we show these… people the Right Way To Live." Frank smirked, moving to take each woman by the arm and propelling them towards the lift.

"Right away, Frank." Columbia giggled and disappeared off to prepare.

"What!?" Hosanna squawked, as the bemused cameramen followed, exchanging questioning looks and shrugs amongst themselves. "But this is _our_ show."

"Not any more…" Frank chuckled delightedly, a rich and slightly ominous sound. With a smirk, he turned to face one of the cameras. "Welcome, my unconventional conventionists, to How To Live, with your host Frank N. Furter. Be prepared to give yourself over to absolute pleasure and swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh. I shall be showing these two women how to be wild and untamed things, to shake it 'til the life has gone, gone, gone."

He gave the women a small push, making them stumble into the lift in their shock. A contented smirk resting on his lipstick free lips, he stepped in smartly after them, pulling the cage-like door closed with considerable effort and trapping them in with him. Just as the lift started to descend, he gave a nod to Riff to lead the cameramen down to the ballroom and have them ready.

As life in a castle run by a sweet transvestite is always magical, it is perhaps no surprise that when Frank and his two hostages emerged from the lift, they were all dressed to the height of Transylvanian fashion. Where the scarlet basques, satin laced lingerie and fishnet suspenders had come from was anybody's guess, but logical things like that really ceased to matter when there was time warping to be done.

"It's just a jump to the left!" Riff Raff announced loudly as Frank smartly propelled the two bemused women out in front of him and onto the floor. Lively, upbeat music chimed in from nowhere, adding to the party atmosphere. With a simply delighted smirk resting on his once again made up lips, Frank shoved the women to the left, commenting "Oh really now, not much of a _jump_ was it?" The music continued regardless.

"And a step to the ri-i-ght!" Columbia chimed in proudly, appearing from the other end of the room, dressed immaculately in her golden tail coat and top hat. And so the TV presenters learnt for the first time ever how to Time Warp, and it must be said, they enjoyed it greatly.

The music slowly faded and the small group of Transylvanians and groupie fell to the floor is a pseudo faint, as is the custom for the end of the Time Warp. They led motionless for a few moments, getting their breath back whilst the two TV presenters and camera crew giggled excitedly and mopped the exulted sweat from their plastic brows.

"Well… There's something that we won't be allowed to show on BBC," Hosanna grinned, her face flushed.

Skinny nodded wisely, producing a Dictaphone and speaking into it so as not to forget. "Yes, we shall have to sell the rights to Channel Five, they'll take anything garish with plenty of suggested boob shots." She smirked at her frumpier counter part and they exchanged high fives.

The Transylvanians plus groupie slowly stood up and straightened themselves up, Frank eyeing the humans with a new, arrogant interest.

"So, have you realised the errors of your ways? Has my message finally reached you earthlings?"

"People…" Riff Raff interjected hastily, and although Frank waved a dismissive hand he nodded in agreement and added "People."

The two women nodded vigorously, their hands clasped beneath one flat and one ample chest. "Yes, oh yes. We have found This Season's Next Big Thing! The Transsexual Transylvanian look will be hitting _all_ the major high street stores by tomorrow morning, and we shall want a recording contract on that wonderful song. It will be download number one in no time."

Hosanna fluffed up her hair, pouted her heavily lipsticked lips and turned to the camera for the final time.

"This is Skinny and Hosanna with this week's What Not To Wear. Which is definitely trousers. We are here to tell you that fishnets and high living are most certainly _in_." She and Skinny gave their insipid smiles and blew kisses to the camera… and then… it was all over.

The Transsexual Transylvanian craze would take the world by storm, lasting at least a whole season and the castle became a hotbed of nightly activity, much to Frank's pleasure. And to top it all off, the Time Warp spent a record breaking two consecutive months as the download chart number one. All in all, a wonderful time had been had by all.


End file.
